All as I planned it
by SuperRainbowPuddingBread
Summary: Lesbian churches, fallen angels and nuns. A cat girl that was sexually assaulted. A man with a score to settle with getting replaced and a dragon that had one too many apples. A tragic story of love, friendship and far too many scene transitions.
1. Rhapsody in Apples

**Guizhou, China  
11:27 PM**

"Uggh, my head." Waking up to the smell of a familiar fruit, I could barely make out my surroundings with my blurry vision. Shaking my head to focus, I looked around to find that the entire room is filled with balloons of different colours, shapes and sizes.

"Ddraig… I think we had one too many slices of the golden apple." Leaning against the wall to balance myself, I quickly went into the room's built-in washroom to freshen up.

Moving through the sea of balloons, I noticed that the room was humid, damp and pretty much run down in every way. Cockroaches were crawling out of the gaps in the flooring and the smell was terrible.

I quickly came to a conclusion that we must have found this abandoned building while under the hallucinating effect of the happy fruit because no sane person, hobo or not would live in this fetid piece of garbage. The smell was unbearable, it was like a mix of excrement from every animal in the zoo mixed with urine.

As for the readers out there, the golden apple here refers to a type of narcotic taken by dragons. Sometimes it is also known as the dragon's "happy fruit". My name is Issei and I will be narrating this entire story from my PoV.

While brushing my teeth, I felt a vibration coming from my right arm.

 **[Holy mother of pudding! Last night was great! We should definitely use boosted gift on the apples more often.]**

This my friends, is Ddraig who is also known as the Red Dragon Emperor, Welsh Dragon and to me, the last person I would take any advice from.

"This is the last time I take any advice from you. And how did we end up with all these balloons anyway?"

 **[That's what you said last time when we we're in Venice piloting flying cows. Anyway Issei. Baby. Let's not sweat the small details, we have more pressing matters to attend to.]**

Spitting out the toothpaste and rinsing my mouth with the putrid water from the sink, I replied "and what would that be?"

 **[We're out of golden apples. This is a serious matter.]** Ddraig suddenly spoke, with a tone that should only be used while something serious happens like a main character dying.

"I think you're becoming too addicted…" in response to my wise judgement, Ddraig angrily retorted with **[You can't tell me how to live my life bitch!]** All the while sounding like a deranged drug addict who is going through rehab.

 **[I have been trapped in this fucking gauntlet for centuries without getting any (apples). So you better find more of those apples or so help me I'm going to fucking boost your balls until they explode. If I'm not getting any, you're going down with me…]**

"Ddraig…" Ok… I'm going to have to carefully pick my choice of words for the next sentence or I'm going to be stuck a virgin for the rest of my eventful life.

"…Where do we start?" I replied with a forced happy smile on my face.

 **[We still have the seeds lucky enough. Now listen carefully.]**

I took the gun shaped lighter from the top of the desk and began fiddling with it as Ddraig began his explanation.

 **[First, we're going to need to get to a high school in Japan.]**

As I was about to ask why the flying funk. I'm trying not to go higher than K rating after all! Did I need to go to school for, Ddraig seemingly read my mind and added it to his next dialogue box below this sentence. (Sacred Gear mind reading. Can't get my privacy!)

 **[As I was saying, we need to find high school girls to plant the seed between the valley of their breasts so it can absorb the energies from the latent boob so as to perform a complex magical ritual capable of producing a fruit so delicious, it sends our sanity to the drain for a short amount of time.]**

What. The. Actual. Fuck. You know what? Fuck the K rating, we're bumping this motherfucker to Mars.

"Fuck. No nope nada. I'm not going to a high school let alone a high school in motherfucking Japan!" In my fit of rage, I accidentally clicked the switch to the lighter in my hand. A spark that soon formed into a full blown explosion that knocked my entire body out through the window.

"Oh fu-" Ahh… so this is how I die. I know I lived a wonderful life… But these regrets will go unfulfilled right Ddraig?

I reached for the light, and I saw heaven.

 **END**

 **END**

 **END**

 **END**

* * *

 **Somewhere in Italy,  
Church of the Assumption of Mary**

"Such a tragic background you come from my dear child. Parents lost in a fire at such a young age, the church welcomes you with open arms!" This nun was speaking in Italian.

ITALIAN! The fucking pizza language. How the hell did we end up in a country that speaks Italian, we were in bloody China four paragraphs before!

Looking through the script, I noticed that Ddraig added a few unnecessary dialogues lines…

"What the fuck is this? Ddraig. What the hell is this?" I pointed to the script showing the

"Oh fu-" Ahh… so this is how I die. I know I lived a wonderful life… But these regrets will go unfulfilled right Ddraig?

I reached for the light, and I saw heaven.

 **END**

 **END**

 **END**

 **END**

 **[I wanted to add some suspense. Got to build up that tension for the viewers after all.]**

"Once I get those apples I'm going to find a way to drag you out of that gauntlet and rip your eyes out of your sockets…" I then noticed the nun overhearing my conversation with Ddraig.

"…I mean, err. Amen, love the father or something." The nun then walked away as if she never heard my threats of death directed at my right hand.

All right. Going to set my priorities. First thing I have to do is find out why the run down building in the first paragraph was full of balloons filled with methane and hydrogen gas.

Second, find out how I got to Italy all the way from China and why this crazy nun thinks my parents died in a fire.

Last, get to Japan and get the apples then after that, torture Ddraig slowly and painfully for messing with the script.

As I was doing my internal evil monologue, I never noticed that a blonde haired girl was staring at me from behind the benches as I was being dragged away by the nun to be shown the facilities in the church.

And if you're wondering why I can speak Italian, this story is in English text only so it's like having subtitles. And also, I can just add "in Italian" to every one of my sentences and they would be able to hear me just fin-

"Come ragazzo, I will show you where the kitchen is." This fucking nun, interrupting my exposition. Can't she see that this chapter is about to end? I need my evil monologue time woma-

 **Chapter 1 End.**

* * *

Ragazzo is Italian for boy. I used google translate so if anyone has a better alternative please do tell.

This story was written for pure crack and will be updated infrequently.

And before I forget, Highschool DxD owned by Ichiei Ishibumi and [Insert legal jargon here].

Uploaded on: 16/11/2015  
Last edited on: 19/11/2015


	2. 1v1 me IRL

**Church, Italy**

"I'm pretty sure 'Church' is not a city in Italy… Ddraig please stop editing the script as you please, I'm begging you here."

My name is Issei and I will be taking you on a tour of this church that I am currently residing in… or what's left of it.

On your right, you can take a look at the topless sexy nuns sharing a hot passionate kiss (tongue included) with each other. One of them was a buxom blonde with a rocket rack while the other was what Ddraig and I dubbed as Pedobait.

And on your left is the kitchen where a team of biosafety specialists have been called in after I began cooking food for everyone.

 **[That is not food, I'm cringing more from watching your cooking skills than Michael accidentally piercing Azazel in the rectum from a misfired light spear during the Great War. It's a damn biological weapon]**.

Nice try Ddraig. Everyone who tried my food loved it, in fact they were probably stunned from the sheer flavour of my cooking. Look at Satan Lucifer for example.

 **[If by flavour you mean melting their tongues and/or their internal organs off then I would be inclined to agree. Anyway your example is invalid. Lucifer is dead… most likely from your cooking I presume.]**

I liked it better when you were high. Why must you have so much more logic while not under the influence…?

Suddenly an image of Ddraig putting on sunglasses appeared in my mind.

 **[Deal with it.]**

As I continued walking down the hallway, one of the men in the hazmat suits approached me with a form in his hand interrupting my conversation with Ddraig.

"Sir, we're going to need you to fill out the following risk assessment form and we need you to tell us who was responsible in the kitchen last night." He sounded rather irritated.

"What're you going to do after finding out who was in the kitchen?" This was surprising… usually everyone left satisfied after eating my meals.

 **[Satisfied = Dead. Stop cooking, save lives.]**

"We'll have to call the relevant authorities since there is a known chemical weapon located in the kitchen. The one responsible will probably be arrested and fined a minimum of 500,000 dollars."

"Err…" Just as I was about to make up a fake answer, my problems were solved by the guy that came into the church looking like he just cut himself with a penknife.

I came to the conclusion that he was probably a DQN-type chuunibyou who is trying to act anti-social and cutting himself to get pity points from the ladies. Too bad this doesn't work most of the time, I know this because I tried it before.

Pointing at the guy I casually whispered to the hazmat man. "He did it. It was all him, he forced everyone here to hide him or else he would harm the children."

"Harm the children you say?" The hazmat man took out his phone and pointed it at the guy. I took a peek on the screen while his attention was focused on the loading bar. Once it was done, it read 'Diodora Astaroth (Devil), Wanted Level: A, Kill or Capture on sight.'

"Hey kid, I'll handle this guy. Get everyone to the safest place in the church." I complied with his instructions and got everyone to the basement room.

Though I had trouble trying to pry the same two nuns apart since they were still lip locked in the same right wing room.

I swear, when those two start scissoring the whole church starts shaking.

Returning to the main hall, right in front of the hazmat man a suitcase was suddenly materialized from thin air.

 **[Ooh! A fight! I'm betting on the Devil dude though.]** Ddraig casually commented while taking out imaginary popcorn from… somewhere.

Jeez, cheer for the heroes at least. But yeah, I'm putting my money on the Devil dude too. I took seat behind the altar and began spicing up the battle with my live commentary.

As I took my time walking to the back of the stand, the two of them were already beginning their foreplay and the sounds of swords clashing against swords resounded throughout the main hall.

Placing the relevant pages of the script on the stand, I quickly glanced through the relevant information and memorized them in my head. Ddraig always has a copy with him as well.

Tampering with the controls under the stand, I adjusted the smoke effects to give this place the atmosphere it needs and deserves. Just to be safe, I initiated the disco ball program installed by the previous head nun before she retired for an extended Saturday night fever.

Tapping the mic a few times, I began "testing testing 1, 2, and 3. Welcome everyone to the annual church fight club. Today I'm your host Issei and our special guest is none other than the Red Dragon Emperor himself, Ddraig!"

I plugged Boosted Gear into the sound system and all of a sudden the sound effect of thousands of rabid fan-girls filled the halls.

 **[We got a sell-out crowd tonight! Couple hundred thousand people. What do you think of our contestants tonight Issei?]**

"On the left corner with 10 years of Exorcism experience is Marcus 'reflector' Theodore, with his mastery over light weaponry and his sacred gear Dual Mirror he has slain over 20 middle-class devils!"

I used the controls below the altar to shine the spotlight over the guy in the Hazmat Suit and blinding him in the process. He then received a massive gash on his right shoulder courtesy of Diodora's conjured blades.

The script says here that Dual Mirror is a sacred gear that allows the addition of attack power from an opponent's own attack if the user is strong enough to parry that same attack.

 **[And on the right corner! DQN-type chuunibyou, Diodora Asaroth! After inflicting self-harm to his body, he attempted to make this church kick some nun chick out so he could add her to his harem! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Asaroth!]**

The mental damage from Ddraig's verbal assault made Diodora take an extra step forward to regain his balance after tripping, causing him to run straight into Marcus's holy sword.

Diodora quickly twisted his body, loud cracking of bones could be heard as he narrowly avoided a fatal wound to his heart by redirecting the location of the sword to his right shoulder.

Boos and jeers came out of the speakers this time.

"The crowd is going nuts! Looks like Mr. Asaroth is not so popular with the female crowd. I sure hope his fighting skill and performance can satiate this bloodthirsty audience and make up for his unpopularity."

"Hold it up folks, I got some new Intel from our team." I paused to catch my breath.

"Apparently Mr. Asaroth did not do his research on this church as well as we thought. All of the nuns located in this church are lesbians that either A. joined this church or B. got sent here from another church."

Crowd laughter followed, pouring out of the speakers like a free flow all-you-can-eat buffet.

 **[Wait he was trying to break up yuri (Girls' Love)? That's low… even for a devil.]**

"Looks like the contestants have stopped?" Both Diodora and Marcus looked like they were whispering something to each other…

"And it looks like they're…" Their heads turned in sync towards the direction Ddraig and I were in.

 **[I'll give my advice now. Run.]**

Detaching Boosted Gear from the sound system, I broke out into a sprint towards the exit of the church.

"You're not going anywhere… boy." Diodora sounded pretty miffed. His shoulder was still bleeding profusely though.

"Looks like you're not just a normal kid after all, and that Longinus…" Marcus said through his clenched teeth in silent fury attempting to endure the pain from his wounds.

That hazmat exorcist guy looked like he was about to pop a vein. Both of them were now pointing their weapons at me.

"Hey… let's try and talk this out? We should definitely settle this peacefully over tea and biscuits." I held both hands in a surrendering posture.

"How about… **NO**." Both of them replied at the same time then drew their weapons and struck me where I stood…

* * *

Chapter 2 End.

This story was written for pure crack and will be updated infrequently.

And before I forget, Highschool DxD owned by Ichiei Ishibumi and [Insert legal jargon here].

Uploaded on: 23/11/2015  
Last edited on: N/A


	3. Cat videos and Femnazis

**Courtyard, Issei's PoV**

Why do morons always have to destroy everything while fighting, you think buildings are that easily replaced?

It's the same with all you people. Explosions everywhere with every attack, please come back when you have something more original. I have no more hope for these two…

Diodora has stormtrooper aim with his infinite exploding swords and keeps blowing up every statue and fountain in the courtyard while Marcus's laser sword keeps littering the ground with cuts. I don't think this church will be left standing after this little scuffle.

"Stand still you little shit!" Stupid would be a good word to describe how I feel about Diodora right now. I mean really, who would just stand there and take your attack?

Ddraig, how's the escape plan coming along?

 **[Says here on the script that Raynare should fly above us soon. We can use that opening to break through their guard and get out of this mess.]**

 **[Also, may I suggest Japan as our next destination?]** That name seems awfully familiar… And no, we're not going to the land of the rising sun.

 **[She's the fallen angel who kills you in the original script. I don't think she remembers any of us after we diverged from the plot though.]**

Oh yeah, I remember now. It's been so long since I last saw her face though…

 **[Toothpicks from behind and Jedi coming from the right.]**

I consumed a small portion of the accumulated boosts to give myself an increase to speed to dodge the oncoming projectiles.

Twisting my body, I narrowly dodged the beam sword from the exorcist. However, it still burnt off a part of my coat from the heat energy emitted from the blade.

This should be the time that Raynare flies above us. Time to initiate that plan…

"Look! A UFO!" I pointed into the air and Diodora was the only one stupid enough to fall for it.

Jumping backwards, I gathered energy into my right hand and released it in the direction Diodora and Marcus were standing.

The propulsion from the spell allowed me to gain a huge distance advantage and I reactivated the same spell but this time, I aimed it towards the ground. The effect was instantaneous and a huge wall of dirt erupted from below as I continued putting distance between us.

I felt a massive surge of demonic energy being gathered behind me. I consumed more boosts and narrowly dodged another beam attack, this time it's from Diodora instead of Marcus's laser sword.

The general direction the beam was fired in became charred and a massive chasm formed from the sheer force of the beam going along the ground. And my coat is now ruined… dammit!

Speaking of exorcists, I wonder how Michael is dealing with heaven after God's death. I gathered water from the air and began quenching my thirst. Running away from two idiots takes a toll on my body after all!

 **[Last time I checked, Gabriel discovered the internet and she's been putting off work to watch cat videos.]** I choked on my drink and went into a violent fit of coughing.

Dammit Ddraig seriously? Did you really have to tell me these things while I'm drinking?

Ddraig and I then shared a moment of silence for heaven.

 **[Well... Rest in bananas Michael, we will miss you and your bad aim.]** I swear Ddraig has way too much things to say about the angels.

Well, we could take a slight detour to heaven to take a look around after we escape.

 **[Road trip baby!]** Ddraig then took out his cooler and aviator sunglasses and got into his dragon sized swimming trunks.

Let's just hope they don't find us before we do anything else.

* * *

 **Raynare's PoV**

Trees. Trees as far as my eye could see…

Dohnaseek told me that the church for lesbians would be somewhere in this forest. Argh, my legs still hurt from all this walking, this better be worth it to get this stupid little charm for Mittelt.

Thinking back, why did Dohnaseek even know about this place?

"Where the hell is it?!" I can't take it anymore! There are bugs in my hair, my feet are sore and I'm about 20 seconds in to burning this whole forest down.

"Excuse me miss?" Huh, Italian? Looking down, I could see a cute little girl in a nun outfit tugged on my pantyhose. Aww she's adorable, I could just take her home and snuggle her in my bed…

"Are you looking for our church? Are you one of the seekers of our faith of love between women?"

She panned her view up to take a look at my face. I noticed that she had a purple diamond shaped jewel embedded into her forehead with some markings emerging form it.

"Err, I'm just here to look for this charm," I took out a picture of said charm and presented it to the little nun "it's for one of my friends."

The little nun then made an adorable pout before stamping her feet on the ground repeatedly.

"Everyone always says it's for their friends! Just admit that you like girls as well, we don't discriminate against anyone here." The nun suddenly pointed her finger at me.

"If you can't even accept your feelings, how will you express your love to the world? Anyw-"

I quickly grabbed the nun interrupting her, unfurled my wings and took to the skies. A sword then landed right where the nun was originally standing before detonating and taking a large chunk of the forest along with it.

"Wawawa- Who dares to desecrate this holy land?" Her face was a mixture of panic and worry as she stared at the burning crater below us.

If this nun keeps being this cute I don't think I can hold myself back from glomping her.

"Miss Fallen Angel, please take us there." I see a faint outline of a church there and… Ah! I forgot my wings were out.

"Do not worry Miss, we do not hate the fallen unlike some other churches. Some of our regular members are fallen themselves." Flashing me a cute little smile, she wriggled one of her hands out of my hug and patted me on the head.

"Oh! It's great to be able to talk to someone from a church without getting scorned. My name is Raynare, and yours?" I did a barrel roll mid-flight to dodge an incoming sword projectile.

"No sudden movements like that again Miss Raynare!" She spoke through her panting. Catching her breath, she continued "I'm the second head nun of this church, you can call me Lily and-" The nun paused and suddenly went wide eyed, making me go on high alert.

"Look out!" Jerking to the side, I held the nun tight as a giant ray of crimson roared past me. The beam ate through most of the forest and the ground, leaving a giant ravine where it travelled before is dissipated.

The smell of burning earth filled my nostrils and tears were beginning to from at the corner of my eyes from the piercing stench.

I flew overhead and landed somewhere behind the church so that those attackers would not notice us. Lily then took off her hood and allowed her hair to come free.

"Miss Raynare, could you help me lift this trapdoor?" She pointed at a part of the dirt that had a small handle jutting out. It was not something you could notice unless you were actively looking for it.

I pulled the handle and lifted the metal plate up, "just call me Raynare, no need to be so formal Lily."

She nodded before turning her attention to the stairs leading downward below the church.

"So where does this lead to?" I was fairly curious why there was a need for a trapdoor in a peaceful place such as this.

"The basement is the safest place in this church," Lily then made an adorable pouting face "the previous nun used almost all our funds to make an impenetrable disco hall which we're using as the safe room."

She sulked as we continued to walk down these stairs. "I really wanted larger beds but she always goes on about her Saturday night fever. I don't hate her, but I'm not too fond of how she splurges on disco merchandise."

"We're here" Lily stopped in front of a rotten looking mahogany door. This is the safest place in the church? That door looks like it could fall if I just blew on it.

Lily then knocked on the door with a rhythmic pattern sort of like a code of some kind.

"Head Nun Lily? Is that you out there?" A girl's voice could be heard from behind the door. She sounded fairly young and was speaking in Italian.

"Miss Argento, please open this door and contact Lady Gabriel immediately. We have intruders within the sacred grounds." The door slowly creaked open revealing a young girl about eight to ten years of age with flowing blonde hair and beautiful emerald eyes.

"Sooooooooo Cuteeeeeeee!" I leaped into action immediately, tackling the girl down on the ground and locking her in my specialty hug.

"Head Nun Lily, Helpppppp meeeeee!" Asia moaned out as I continued to glomp her mercilessly. Lily merely gave an undignified giggle and closed the door behind me.

Lily headed towards the magic circle drawn on the disco ball that was hanging on the ceiling and channelled her mana into the lighting system along with two other nuns.

One of the nuns had emerald eyes and blonde hair that reached towards her legs and a pair of breasts that were at least double of my size… Somehow, I felt like I lost somewhere as an older sister figure as I looked at her.

The other nun was about the same size as Lily. I could not see her face clearly under her nun hood but my cute radar was going off the charts. This place is the best!

Wiping off the blood dripping from my nose, the entire area was suddenly engulfed in pure white and I felt nauseous from the effect of transportation magic.

Warmth soon filled my body as the little girl I was hugging emitted a distinct healing magic that I was familiar with. The sacred gear twilight healing.

I could not thank the little girl as we soon found ourselves face to face with… Gabriel's back?

Why is she wearing her pyjamas and sitting cross-legged on a computer chair while watching cat videos on a laptop? What a surreal sight.

Lily then began to explain the situation to Gabriel…

* * *

 **Dimensional Gap**

The Dimensional Gap, a place filled with the dreams of countless lives that float endlessly through its expanse. Within this world, the crimson dragon that governs the world of dreams and the pitch black serpent that embodies everlasting and eternal power exist.

They clashed for supremacy over the rightful ownership of this sacred space. And their names were…

"Fucka, fucka! Great Red is a fucka!" A small girl that looked about 10 years of age wearing a Gothic Lolita styled dress, was giving the finger to an enormous crimson dragon that was tailing her from the back. She was also holding onto a large black rectangle plate that was at least 200 times her own size.

As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, their names were…

"Ophis, if you know what is best for your continued existence you will return my laptop to me." The crimson dragon spoke. Power could be felt from his words alone, as if he could erase your very existence from speaking…

"Eat shit you English motherfucka! Women iz strongest!" Ophis then did 10,000 barrel rolls just because she can.

Great Red then made a facepalm motion with his wing. "Is this my punishment? This is what I get for letting an immortal with a mental age of 10 access Tumblr…"

"God dammit Ddraig, where the hell are you when I need you the most?" Great Red then let out a sigh of defeat before taking out his dragon sized cell phone and dialling a number.

 **[Hello? This is Ddraig speaking.]** The voice on the phone spoke.

"Where the fuck are you two? I thought I sent you guys to the nearest entrance to the Dimensional Gap and," Ophis started juggling the giant laptop while barrel rolling. "Ophis if that laptop gets destroyed I will fucking tear your ovaries out!"

 **[Sorry the connection was lost for a second there. Issei and I are going on a short holiday to heaven at the moment.]**

"Fuck the holiday, get both your asses in high gear for rape if you two don't get in the Dimensional Gap right now! I'm not babysitting your big sister Ophis any longer."

The call then cut off momentarily before a recording was played. **[You have reached, Ddraig. He is not available at the moment… please leave a message after the beep.]**

A tick mark formed on Great Red's head and the space surrounding his entire body began distorting from the anger he emitted. "Those two morons are so fucking dead…"

* * *

This story was written for pure crack and will be updated infrequently.

And before I forget, Highschool DxD owned by Ichiei Ishibumi and [Insert legal jargon here].

Uploaded on: 10/12/2015  
Last edited on: N/A


	4. The cast so far

**Characters so far…**

 **Name (Title(s))**  
 _"Favourite Quote"_

 **Issei (Protagonist extraordinaire)**  
 _"Nope. Not doing this again…"_

A young man with a score to settle against clichés and getting replaced. After ordering the script through the cross-dimensional delivery service "Nyaamazon", he is now bent on diverging from the plot so much that the world will never revert back to being the same ever again…

He can't seem to remember most of the important details from previous loops very well.

 **Ddraig (Red Dragon Emperor, Boob connoisseur, Apple addict)**  
" _Deal with it."_

Sealed away into a gauntlet after the Great War and being wielded by different men and women through the ages as one of the 13 Longinus, he always asks the same question to his users. "Which hand do you masturbate with?" If it was in the hand he resides in then… Boom!

Got addicted to golden apples after a drinking party with Great Red, Albion and Ophis before the Great War. No one remembers anything from that party except for the fact that Ophis was somehow related to Ddraig as his older sister.

 **Asia Argento (Healer lv.99, Loli4Life)  
** "Let me make that better!"

A small girl abandoned outside the church as a child, she was trained by Lily in the art of healing. After discovering her affinity with the spells as well as her sacred gear Twillight Healing, she continued advancing at a rate unseen even by an immortal.

Lily then taught her how to seal her excess energy into a spell of self-resurrection in the event of an emergency. (Side effects include being rendered into a little girl until all excess energy is exhausted).

 **Diodora Asaroth (DQN-Chunni, Nun fetish specialist, Stormtrooper)**  
 _"You know you want me, don't try to deny that. *Gets slapped*"_

Deemed a failure as a living creature by his family, he was banished into the human world of Japan where he discovered his massive fetish for women in nun clothing. After reading too much harem manga and doujins, his mind has been deteriorated into thinking he is the main character of an Eroge. (Also has a dark and tragic past (lol))

Most of the nuns in his peerage are still lesbians and don't allow him to join them in bed. They also seem to become stronger than god whenever he tries to assault them. (Yuri plot armour?)

 **Marcus Theodore (Exorcist, Jedi, Biohazard Specialist)**  
 _"Ex…calibur!"_  
Trained by the church at the age of 10, a prodigy excelling in both science and combat. He gained his sacred gear from his mentor after he passed away and used its powers to combat stray devils. He holds no grudges towards devils or fallen angels and only hunts the ones that go after innocent lives.

He can somehow telekinetically attract his beam sword from any distance and can conjure his hazmat suit and exorcist uniform at any given time. Also gained a secret desire from his mentor to shout "Excalibur!" whenever he does an overhead slash.

 **Raynare (Fallen angel, Lolicon (Pedophile), Lesbian)**  
 _"Cute!"_

Fallen angel Raynare was originally sent to Kuoh to spy on High-Class Devil Rias along with her leader Dohnaseek and colleagues Kalawarner and Mittelt. However, their stealth mission was compromised when her cute radar went into overdrive over Rias's peerage member Koneko that she sexually assaulted.

After countless negotiations by Dohnaseek to quell the situation, they settled on placing a restraining order on Raynare. Currently in Italy, she is trying to find the love charm for Mittelt from the church for lesbians but found herself currently sitting in Gabriel's room.

 **Lily (Lilith, Immortal)**  
 _Lily "Don't call me a kid! *stomps feet*"  
Lilith "I still regret it to this day…"_

The current head nun of the mysterious lesbian church. Her true form is one of the first three humans created by God. Her sealed form is that of a little girl with the gem on her forehead hiding her power from the world.

Not much is known about her except for the fact that she NTR'd Eve away from Adam, starting the first girl on girl action. The only one of the trio that retains her memory but decides not to ruin their relationship by withholding this information. She still regrets her actions to this day and punishes herself by never falling in love with anyone else.

 **Evangel (Eve, Immortal, Pedobait)  
** _"I want to Pafu Pafu."_

Always attached by the hip to her lifelong partner Adam. Her true form is one of the first three humans created by God. Currently in her sealed form, similar to Lily, she takes the form of a little girl with long silver hair. She enjoys spending her time making sweet love to Adam. In her sealed form, she does not remember Lilith or the fact that she is Eve.

 **Mell (Adam, Immortal, Rocket rack)**  
 _"_ _Eva… Not so hard. Hnnn_ _._ _"_

Always attached by the hip to her lifelong partner Eve. Her true form is one of the first three humans created by God. The only one of the trio not reverted into a loli character but has no memory of her life as Adam. Some say that her blonde hair matches perfectly with Gabriel's…

* * *

Wanted to try my hand at short character tidbits. I'll do this periodically as new characters are introduced.

This story was written for pure crack and will be updated infrequently.

And before I forget, Highschool DxD owned by Ichiei Ishibumi and [Insert legal jargon here].

Uploaded on: 16/12/2015  
Last edited on: N/A


	5. Capt We R going into valley of cloud

**Airport, Italy**

"The plane scheduled for the 6:30 PM flight will be departing in 20 minutes, all passengers…" The announcement echoed throughout the customs.

This airport just had a renovation and was one of the busiest ports in Italy as of now due to the sudden influx of tourists flying in to take a look at its newest facilities.

It had state-of-the-art security and only the best of the best were hired to patrol the grounds. The rich and famous had their private jets housed in this very airport. To even think of using anything less than the best was an insult.

As for our protagonist…

 **[Please tell me why we're in the female restroom?]** Ddraig spoke. He already loaded a, 100 round Tommy gun of fucks in his head in preparation of whatever Issei had to say.

"The entrance to heaven uses female toilets." Issei casually replied, as if it was the most natural place to find an entrance into the holy land.

Ddraig was completely unprepared for such an idiotic reply that his mind shut itself down for about 15 seconds to protect his brain from mental damage.

 **[Ddraig system rebooting… *Windows 98 start-up sound*]** While this was happening, Issei headed to the last stall in the restroom hoping that no one actually catches him and destroys him via SJWs by splashing his face all over Tumblr.

 **[Sweet mother of pudding… My head.]** Clutching his head from the nausea caused by his sudden rebooting, Ddraig managed to slur out his question. **[Explain to me how and why the entrance to heaven is in a female toilet?]**

"The script says that the reason why female toilets are the easiest way to enter heaven due to the massive amount of 'holy water' that passes through." Ddraig stopped speaking entirely at this moment. "Ddraig you alive in there?" Issei worriedly asked.

Eyes twitching from irritation, Ddraig broke down and began unloading all of his fucks into Issei's brain. **[Die you alien scum! I'll kill you and your planet!]** Firing wildly, Ddraig unloaded his entire lifetime supply of fucks onto everything that moved. **[You'll never take me alive!]**

"Alright, here we go." Issei seemed to have ignored the fact that almost all of his brain cells were destroyed in Ddraig's little tantrum. But zero divided by anything was still zero, and so nothing of value was lost.

Issei stuck his head through the toilet and flushed himself down the drain. Not a moment too soon, he found himself in a large white marbled palace.

* * *

 **Heaven (Port Noah)**

The scene was absolutely stunning. The sun on the horizon shined brightly, illuminating the entire landscape. If one were to find themselves suddenly brought to this paradise they would most certainly take their time to enjoy the scenery and rethink on their past.

The choir of angels could be heard from the castle in the sky as Issei continued walking towards the ticketing booth.

"Ticket for one." The angel behind the booth asked for Issei's particulars and whether he was visiting or here to receive judgement.

Lining up with the other tourists, Issei noticed that the crowd was a mix of devils, fallen angels and even Valkyries from Norse mythology. A male angel then addressed the crowd with a megaphone. "Ark 132, departing in 30 minutes. All passengers please board the ark."

"I swear if this ride takes me seven years I'm going to go kill myself." Issei thought to himself. The bells across the Ark began to chime, signalling its departure towards Heaven.

The trip was fairly uneventful since Issei was on the economy class deck at the bottommost part of the Ark. There were no windows or music but at least there was company from lions and tigers. Issei played poker with them but those damn tigers had amazing poker faces.

An announcement made through the speakers indicated that the ride was over and the passengers could leave the Ark. Upon stepping out from the darkness of the Ark's basement, Issei was greeted with a scenery of pure blinding white light.

"My eyes!" Clutching his face to protect his optical organs, he heard some people screaming around him. "I'm on fire! Honey, I'm on fire!" "I told you this place was nothing but bad news. Our son turned into ashes again! Next time we're going to Switzerland."

After his eyes got adjusted to the light, the image of serenity was burned into his mind. Clouds of pure white, rainbows and waterfalls of sparkling water. Doves were flying and birds were singing. Paradise lay just beyond those gates.

"This place, it's…" Stunned, astonished and brought to complete silence by the scene unfolding before him. Issei got on his knees and tears formed in his eyes from the mere sight was what lay beyond the gates.

Yes. Beyond these gates is heaven itself. Men, women, children and all living creatures aspire to one day reach this sacred land. Emotions welled up within Issei until it came bursting forth like a broken dam…

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" Just like that.

* * *

 **Issei's PoV**

Why. Why are there still stairs in heaven…?

"God fucking dammit! Michael you piece of shit!" I flipped the bird towards the golden city in the sky. It was sitting on several clouds and the only entrance to that city was to climb these endless flights of stairs.

I walked towards the customer service counter located at the base of the stairs.

"Hello, how can I help you?" The ditzy angel then spilled her coffee on her miniskirt when she moved her hand to greet me.

"Hot, hot, hot!" She quickly took off her skirt and gave everyone at the entrance a full view of her shapely ass.

I felt nothing. Not even a trace of arousal. I may need to see a doctor after this…

I heard a couple of screaming male voices behind me and saw them falling into gaps made by the clouds. They must have gotten turned on by the view of the angel's butt. Somehow, I felt like I lost as a man by not being sent into purgatory.

That angel ran off to somewhere and now I'm stuck here… Great. Absolutely amazing.

Ddraig you still there? **[Die alien scum!]** Well he's not going to be of any help to me. I resigned to my fate of climbing these horrid steps towards my holiday destination.

Dammit Michael, _this_ is the reason why people don't want to go to heaven. Not because of their sins but because of these damn stairs.

Looking to the side, I can see a few skeletons laying around even though the people that were sent here are already dead. There were a couple of people selling food and miscellaneous items such as fortunes and charms on the side.

"Lamprey! Get your tasty roasted lamprey at mons'!" "Thirsty? Get a refreshing taste of crisp cloud water! Blessed by Lady Gabriel herself!" "Hey kid, want some used panties? Fresh off the stove."

That last one was quite suspicious but it's probably my fatigue getting to me. I then noticed the same delivery man that sent me my script through 'Nyaamazon' as I climbed further up the stairs.

"Hey! Good to see you again." I called out to him. He seems to be lost and was asking random people for directions.

"Oh it's you again. Hey! You have the still have that script right?" I took it out and showed it to him. He gave a sigh of relief and patted himself on the chest.

"You're a lifesaver! Could you skim through the Character Bio and find the person with the username Redhairbabe18_9_1_19?"

I wasn't too sure about the person he's asking for but the name checks out from one Rias Gremory. This person seems familiar to me but I just can't put my finger on it…

"Kuoh, Japan. You can find Rias Gremory there." He gave me a relieved smile before searching for something in his coat.

"I've been searching everywhere since I lost her address from dimensional interference." He then pulled out a magazine featuring some naked redhead girl with huge breasts kissing another girl with black hair and fallen angel wings behind her.

"It's a hentai magazine? I'm going to guess this Rias person bought it?" I have absolutely no idea why he suddenly decided to show me an ero-mag. The title read "A hot devil's passion: Rias x Akeno".

"Just to let you know, inter and cross-dimensional sale of goods have been getting a lot of hype lately. Our company strives to provide any service to our valued customers." He then took out a catalogue of new products and gave it to me.

"Our new products are very popular amongst our male and female consumers. Our latest in line of products shipped from Gamindustri includes music discs from 5pb., Goddess and Goddess Candidate(s) Body Pillows and Figurines (No Vert).

If you are a gold member, we also have location exclusives such as Prisma Illya Figurines. We also ship from a wide range of locations such as Fuyuki City, Halkeginia and more! Nyaamazon will always be there for you."

Ignoring the blatant advertisement, I took the catalogue and put it into my inventory. Ddraig went into standby mode to recharge at this point so I can't go into Balance Breaker to fly my way past these stairs.

"Alright! Finally going to get these deliveries done. See you later Mr. Issei2231. And take this as my thanks…" He suddenly switched to a robotic voice when pronouncing my username and suddenly, he opened a gap below our feet. I blinked and suddenly found myself straight at the entrance of the holy city.

Well... At least that saved a couple of paragraphs they could have written about me walking up these damn stairs. I'm going to need to have a few words with the architects working here… Like building a damn elevator.

My stomach began growling. Damn I must be hungrier than I thought… I think I'll have lunch at the usual Zadkiel's Bistro I guess…

* * *

 **(Omake) Koneko's plight**

"Koneko please… you cannot stay in the ORC's room for the rest of your life." The handsome blond male was trying to coax our catgirl mascot to leave her safe haven.

"Don't wanna! **She's** out there… Just waiting for me to leave. **She's** exactly like my sister." Koneko could not stop shivering. The fear of **'Her'** has made Koneko become a delusional shut-in. What was once a cool loli character has been reduced to nothing more than a traumatized mess.

What could have happened to cause our cheerful catgirl mascot to have become like this…? Let's rewind for a bit and look back to the day Raynare came to Kuoh.

It was a relatively peaceful day in Kuoh a few weeks back. Nothing eventful happened save for the few stray devils that wandered on the Gremory and Sitri's territory and the school turning co-ed due to the lack of births in Japan.

School was as boring as ever for Koneko. Having to purposely make a few mistakes on her tests so as to not attract unwanted attention and getting rid of the male students trying to take her pictures or touch her inappropriately. Her 'fanclub' dealt with the both groups swiftly.

Most students saw Koneko as a little sister figure that they could protect, not knowing that she has the strength to easily crush a dumbbell in her hands. It was this same strength that allowed her to serve Rias as her Rook piece after she saved Koneko from being prosecuted due to her sister murdering their previous master.

Taking a walk down the shopping district, Koneko sensed four figures in the alleyway bearing the scent of fallen angels. She immediately jumped into action, hiding her presence and tailing them to find out what they were planning.

She did not contact Rias or any of the ORC members due to the suddenness of their arrival. And she could lose them in this crowd the moment she takes her eyes off them.

She continued tailing them until they reached the abandoned church. Koneko could not continue due to the holy residue being emitted which weakens her powers and makes her vulnerable. She did not want to risk getting killed or injured.

Taking her phone out, she quickly accessed her phone's contact list and scrolled towards Rias's name. Pressing the call button, she never noticed the fallen angel sneaking behind her.

Koneko noticed the shadow growing from beneath her but it was too late. Raynare attacked (raped) her into submission and it was only due to the call picking up the moans and begging from Koneko that Rias managed to save her before permanent damage could be dealt to her chastity.

She now spends all of her time in seclusion with Gasper while eating snacks and playing yaoi games with Akeno. Kiba is still trying to break her out of this phase while Gasper is happy to finally have a box friend.

 **Happy End (Not)**

* * *

Holy water is a euphemism for female urine (golden shower) in Japan.

This story was written for pure crack and will be updated infrequently.

And before I forget, Highschool DxD owned by Ichiei Ishibumi and [Insert legal jargon here].

Uploaded on: 24/12/2015  
Last edited on: N/A


	6. Yandere Heart

**Underworld (Phenix Clan Territory)  
**

A young girl with regal facial features and blond hair tied into two twintails and styled into two large drills was currently donning a dominatrix outfit. Held In her hands were whips and multiple metal clips. She was currently smiling but the expressions given from her face was anything but happy.

This was Ravel Phenix, the one and only daughter of the prestigious Phenix Clan. During the Great War, most of the clan heads and their families died in battle which resulted in only 33 of the 72 Pillars remaining in the Underworld.

Seated in front of her was her brother, Riser Phenix. He had a bag placed on his head while his hands were tied down behind the back of the seat. On the foot of the chair lay a magic circle that was designed to confine targets that were weaker than mid-class devils.

"Oh sweet brother of mine… What did I say about coming into my room without permission?" Her hands smoothly slid across Riser's abdomen and moved closer towards his crotch. She took his stiffening manhood and gave it a tight, painful squeeze.

Gagged, Riser could not do anything to appeal to his sister. The burning pain emerging from his loins were an indication that his sister would not let him go free until he 'forgets' what he saw or she crushes his balls. Knowing her, the only option is both unless some miracle happens.

At least he could take pride in his regeneration but this magic circle would probably hinder his ability to do that.

Here is a short explanation of the Phenix family. The heads of the Phenix family consisted of Riser's masochistic father, his extremely sadistic mother and sister while his brothers inherited their father's masochistic traits.

Riser considered himself to be the only normal and sane person in his family of S&M addicts. His relationship with his peerage members was on good terms as well as convincing the Gremory Family that he was not interested in the marriage with Rias since he was planning to get together with Yubelluna.

Yubelluna was the first of his peerage members and was a human woman that attended the same class in his time as a college student in the human world. She was stabbed to death after taking a bag in a family café not knowing it was for a drug deal. Riser killed off the entire gang and reincarnated her into his queen piece after attempting every other piece and finding out they were insufficient.

But for now, how exactly did Riser get into this messy situation? Well, his first mistake was that he accidentally stumbled into his sister's room. Their rooms were right next to each other in their home and he was rather tired from his work managing the funds of their family to notice the name engraved on the gold plate beside the door.

He turned the knob and what he saw in the room would scar his mind forever. Pictures of a single brown haired male adorned the walls, floor and even her blankets and pillows. He could not leave as he soon felt a sharp pain on the back of his head before he was knocked out.

Ravel lifted her legs, black thigh-high socks accentuating the shape of her feet in all its glory. She slipped into a pair of jet black high heels and poked the tip on the heel against her brother's abused member. She then gave it a few kicks just for laughs.

Just as she was about to drive her heels with Riser's crotch as its intended destination, her phone rang with her custom ringtone that she only used for one contact. Her foot missed and hit the part of the seat just a few millimetres ahead of Riser's scrotum.

The chair and the magic circle below the seat were destroyed by sheer force of physical strength alone. Riser shuddered, imagining what would have happened if it ever made contact on his body.

"I'm feeling merciful today. But If I catch you speaking of anything you saw in this room," Ravel paused and grabbed a strap-on from her desk and placed it next to Riser's ears.

She then gripped the steel dildo with her fingers and applied enough force that it began screeching and groaning from deformation. "I'll crush your precious sex organs." The way she had hissed it through the bag covering his head was enough for Riser to know that she can and will deliver this threat.

Riser nodded his head repeatedly as his sister dragged his body and threw him out into the empty corridor. He could freely use his powers after being removed from the magic circle and so he burned off the bag and the ropes.

"My little sister is a fucking monster…" He thought to himself, afraid of Ravel overhearing him through her door. He went into his room, double checking the engraving to make sure it was his.

As he entered his room and closed the door behind him, he gave a moment of silence for whoever was the owner of the face plastered all over his little sister's room.

Meanwhile, inside Ravel's room.

She slipped out of her dominatrix outfit and removed her thigh-highs, revealing her unblemished skin to the surroundings. Reaching into her closet, she picked from a selection of erotic swimwear and lingerie, her favourite 'nightie'.

Slipping into her 'nightie', if you can even call it that since it was basically an outfit made exclusively to seduce males. It had a tint of pink and was as close to transparent as you can physically get. With frills and laces all over, it was designed by a succubus for accentuating the shape of one's body.

She picked up her phone and starting squealing like a high-schooler. A huge contrast from her sadistic tone a few moments ago. She dumped herself on her queen sized bed and swung her bare feet into the air.

She opened up the voicemail left behind by the caller. "Hello Ravel, Issei here. I'm planning on visiting the Underworld on Monday after my trip to heaven. Would you mind showing me around?"

As the voicemail was playing, Ravel moved her free hand towards her breast and began playing around with her nipple. She got herself off… from a voicemail.

"Ahh! Issei, eat me up!" She moved her hands towards her moist slit, massaging it with slow, circular movements. Unable to resist, she plunged her fingers in. Adjusting her hand, she skilfully moved her thumb towards her bud with her two fingers still in their pumping motion.

Her ministrations finally coaxed out her orgasm. Her back arched and her fingers were forcefully pulled out of her sloppy orifice. Warm liquid erupted from her urethra, unloading it contents all over her bed.

She licked her juice covered fingers, imagining as if Issei had fed it to her. She licked her lips and let out a sultry smile to herself before passing out from pleasure. "I hope Monday comes soon."

* * *

Here's Ravel in all her yandere glory. This part of the story actually takes place after the Church arc has been settled so look forward to it!

This story was written for pure crack and will be updated infrequently.

And before I forget, Highschool DxD owned by Ichiei Ishibumi and [Insert legal jargon here].

Uploaded on: 25/12/2015  
Last edited on: 6/1/2016


	7. No Grayfia No Levia

**Heaven, Zadkiel's Bistro**

The restaurant was bustling with people. Business was booming for the staff as waiters darted from table to table receiving orders. The long queue outside the Bistro was usually a sign that the owner was in.

This Bistro has been opened for several centuries and is run by Zadkiel; the archangel of freedom, benevolence, mercy and part of the ten archangels along with Michael and Gabriel.

"I-191959, get the holy away from my kitchen." Zadkiel referred to our protagonist as the codename he was given during the Great War.

The codename I-191959 holds a very important significance as it marked the sign of the birth of the Seven Sins and the death of the biblical God. As for how the Sins were born… Let's just say the 'feast' ended up physically and mentally splitting the existence of Lucifer into seven completely different and sentient beings.

Till this day, even after the blood of the devils has been diluted over the course of millennia will still react to subject I-191959's 'food' through the body by forcefully ejecting all contents from their digestive system either through their oral cavity or their rectum.

As for the angels and holy beings, they just lose their sanity or holy powers and turn into ash. Which, compared to the devils, is a blessing. Use of Subject I-191959's 'cooking' has been banned by the Human Council of Magic, United Mythical Front and even Olympus as a lethal biological weapon capable of killing even immortals.

It is just _that_ bad. You don't even get to enjoy your last meal and pass away peacefully. No. All you can do is choke on the stench that even death itself repulses at. The feeling of pure, putrid blocks of despair going down your throat and into your stomach

You are not allowed to even force your body to vomit it back out. The 'food' gains a life of its own and continues its journey down your gullet. It transcends the fabric of reality with the intention of getting its target to consume it. The sensation your heart being gripped and dragged into an endless abyss. Fear becomes the only emotion you are capable of feeling.

The pain becomes unbearable, nobody can save you from this torture. No matter how hard you try to scream, nothing comes out. Your body begins to fail in its functions and you feel your hold on this world start to fade away.

Even If you did manage to survive, you will feel nothingness, emptiness and lack of desire to continue living. To witness such cruelty… Even the most vile, atrocious and wicked cannot fathom to ever wish upon someone. Not even their enemies.

"Anyway, the direction of the door back into the restaurant is there. Help yourself out and never come back." Pushing Issei on his back, Zadkiel happily directed him to the nearest exit in hopes that he would leave. Preferably until the end of time.

"C'mon Zad, the place is full and I'm just going to make myself a sandwich…" Issei whined, not wanting to join the long queue and pay for his food.

"The only time I'll ever let you cook is when Gabriel actually starts working on her job." While Zadkiel was talking, Issei managed to sneak past him and got himself two slices of bread.

"Does anyone know where the lettuce is?" One of the female angels working in the kitchen began to hyperventilate while the rest could only stare in horror at the scene unfolding before them.

"Someone stop him!" Zadkiel and his staff dolphin-dived across the counter. One of them threw a plate aimed towards Issei's hands before he could put the lettuce on the bread. Another angel picked up a pan in the middle of cooking seafood and skilfully threw the contents into the air, landing perfectly on multiple empty plates lined behind her.

Arming the heated pan in her hands, she twisted her body to gain momentum with the intent to smash Issei's head in. Zadkiel broke the glass on the wall holding the emergency lever that had 'In the case of idiots cooking, pull lever.' labelled on its sides in over twenty different languages.

All this happened in the span of ten seconds. Everything played out in slow motion. With Issei's hand just moments away from placing the lettuce, the thrown plate only inches from his fingers, the pan just a hair's breadth from his head and the lever pulled down halfway.

"I forgot the tomatoes!" Issei placed the lettuce on the counter and walked away, ignoring time-space as everyone was still stuck in slow motion. The female angel with the pan could only watch in terror as her head was headed towards the thrown plate in all its bullet-time glory.

Upon impact with the disc-like projectile, the female angel was sent flying in the direction of the plate and landed square in the trash chute, her hips unable to go further in, causing her butt to be pointed towards the ceiling…

"Needs mayonnaise, tuna and…" Issei was muttering the list of ingredients to himself while cutting the tomatoes into slices. He heated the tomato slices on a pan and tossed it in the direction the bread slice.

The angel that threw the plate did multiple cartwheels and used his body to block the tomatoes from making physical interaction with the bread. Upon contact with the thrown fruit projectiles, the body of that angel then disintegrated into ashes.

The pan that once held the tomatoes spontaneously combusted into metal oxide and burnt Teflon. The tuna that Issei was about to prepare suddenly came back to life and set itself on fire while those eggs that were supposed to be used in the making of the mayonnaise hatched into chicks that threw themselves off the counter and escaped through the floor ducts.

When the lever was fully pulled down, an emergency broadcast was sent to the entirety of the magical world. "Alert, subject I-191959 has begun the preparation of food products. This is not a drill, I repeat. Alert, subject I-191959…"

 **[Ddraig boot-up initialized.]** Praise the glorious sun, our mascot is back! "Ddraig you have returned. I can finally get you to pay me back for all the brain cells you destroyed."

 **[Conveniently enough, I seemed to have forgotten everything after the part where we went into the female restroom. So what did I miss?]**

"I'm making a sandwich at the moment." Ddraig immediately entered safety mode. The gauntlet expanded into a giant paw capable of lifting objects without physically touching them.

"Ddraig! Emergency formation F-U" Zadkiel shouted from across the room. Ddraig activated the scale mail on Issei's feet, causing him to lose balance and fall towards the floor.

[Zadkiel! Emergency formation C-K ready!] Ddraig switched to speaker mode, Zadkiel did not hesitate to seize this opportunity. Using the opening created by Ddraig, Zadkiel unfurled his wings and went into hyperdrive.

Hyperdrive was the special ability of Archangels to move instantaneously. In the time it took for Issei to blink once, Zadkiel or any of the other Archangels could have travelled to Pluto and back. Before Issei could even fathom what had happened, he soon found himself sitting in an unfamiliar location.

Blinking, Issei could see penguins waddling everywhere. There was literally a sea of penguins. The only sign of human habitation was the red and green coloured mansion located in the distance just beyond the mountains.

"Argh. I'm sooo hungry right now. These penguins look good enough to eat." The penguins suddenly had a heated discussion on how to avoid getting eaten.

"Dude! The human's looking at us like we're food!" The first penguin was panicking and about to get a heart attack.

The second penguin suddenly had an epiphany."Shh… act cute and he'll probably stop like all those double standard humans."

"Double standard humans? What're those?" The second penguin answered after taking a few glances at the human. "You know… Those humans who say you can't eat kittens because they're all cute and shit while ugly animals are fine." The first penguin then made an 'ohhh' sound and clapped his fins together.

Ddraig chose this time to practice his whistling before an important plot point slammed into his face in the form of a banana. **[I suddenly remembered we had to get more apples. Phew. I almost forgot about my own agendas.]**

Issei clicked his tongue, seemingly forgetting about his impending starvation. "Dammit! I was hoping we would get far enough in the chapters that you would forget about them…"

 **[It is finally time use my catchphrase again!]** Ddraig rubbed his hands together and cackled with laughter while Issei rubbed his temples to ease the oncoming headache. Ddraig then took out his trademarked sunglasses and put them on. **[Deal with it.]**

"Looks like I'm banned from entering heaven for a while… I think I'll make a call to Ravel and see if the Underworld has any good places for a holiday." Taking out his cell, Issei noticed that the reception in this frozen wasteland of penguins seemed to be really good. Amazing even.

While Issei was scrolling through his contacts, Ddraig decided to check Ravel's bio for fun. **[Why is Ravel's character bio page splattered in blood and her personality page scribbled all over with 'Issei'? I can only read her name…]** Very ominous indeed.

"But Ravel is nice and friendly. I don't think anything can go wrong with such a nice girl." Somehow, Ddraig could tell that he was going straight into the danger zone. No one alive can stop the rape train now…

* * *

 **Underworld (Gremory Study)**

Within the depths of the Underworld the current leaders were warned of the impending doom looming from heaven. Even though the culprit has been disposed of, there was not enough time to stop all the alerts from being sent.

From within the Gremory estate, Sirzechs Lucifer, one of the Seven Sins is currently struggling to keep his composure.

"Master Sirzechs, about the alert from Heaven…" The maid tried as hard as possible to keep her balance. Her hands were cupped over her lips as she attempted to stop the nausea from taking over her body.

The maids in the mansion had to work overtime today due to the sudden absence of Sirzechs's wife, Grayfia. She was apparently said to have been abducted by Serafall Leviathan for the shooting of her TV programme 'Magical Miracle Levia-chan HeartMAX'.

"Could we do this later?" Sirzechs croaked out. His throat sore from the constant expulsion of food. The maid could only nod silently as she ran out of the room towards the nearest available toilet to unload the contents of her stomach.

Sirzechs felt another wave of contents about to elute through his gullet. "Fuck… I-19…" He could not finish his sentence as his body broke down from sheer repulsion of the name alone.

"No. I must…" Through willpower, Sirzechs forced his body to endure. Then the second bomb dropped. "Argh! My stomach!" Rushing out of his office only to find out every male restroom was currently occupied.

"I'll throw it all away! These morals!" Sirzechs darted straight into the female restroom ignoring the screams of the female staff and launched himself at the last available stall.

It was on this day that Sirzechs became the enemy of all women living in the mansion.

* * *

 **Kuoh Academy**

The Occult Research Club is currently facing their biggest predicament. Everyone was currently affected by what was dubbed as the I-incident. A warning was immediately issued to all district leaders.

The leaders of the Kuoh district were Rias Gremory and Sona Sitri. Both of them are heiresses to two of the seven most powerful families in the Underworld. Their elder siblings are both part of the decedents of the Seven Sins.

The room was filled with the scent of sweaty high school girls in heat. There is nothing sexual about the previous description, I swear. I mean they _are_ suffering from nausea and fever after all…

Ahem. Back to the important story, currently in the clubroom, Kiba was darting around from couch to couch trying to remedy the situation with Rias and Akeno.

"Kiba… I feel sick." Rias was lying on the couch with her arm resting over her eyes. She left her school uniform unbuttoned, her breasts and their perky pink nipples in full view. Her dishevelled red hair was all splayed all over her back.

"Kiba-kun… I need more water." Akeno's uniform left little to the imagination. Her black lace bra was showing through her sweat drenched uniform. She took her skirt off and threw it to the side, revealing the black thong hidden underneath. The skirt flew across the room, landing on Koneko's head.

"Kiba… I'll handle this." Koneko seemed to be the only one unaffected by the wave of nausea in the ORC room. She popped open Rias's cosplay cupboard and took out a white nurse uniform complete with white satin gloves, stocking & garter belt combo as well as a nurse cap.

Gasper at this moment was currently using his box as a makeshift barf bag after watching Koneko doing a twirl after putting on her 'gear'.

"I'll leave it to you." Kiba collapsed on the carpeted floor from sheer exhaustion, his breathing was erratic and his face was covered in sweat. The last thing he saw before he passed out was Koneko giving him a thumbs up while holding a giant syringe. "I'll nurse you all back to full health nyan!"

"We're… fucked" Kiba managed to, with a raspy voice, mutter out his dying message. Rest in pepperonis. And now, a moment of silence for our hero…

After everyone was wiped with a damp towel, fed and quenched, Koneko proceeded to move all the members of the ORC into the built-in bedroom that was recently installed by Rias.

After shutting the door behind her, Koneko fell onto her knees. She had tried to endure the effects for too long. Koneko wanted everyone to be able to rest without worries however, she also had another reason for enduring for this long…

"Hello? Is the one known as Redhairbabe18_9_1_19 in at the moment?" Koneko opened the ORC's door and greeted the deliveryman. "That would be me."

Taking out the packaged magazine, the deliveryman asked Koneko to sign the relevant documents and gave her a stamp for her purchase. When the deliveryman left, Koneko held the magazine tightly towards a chest like a treasure. Now we know who _really_ ordered that Rias x Akeno ero-mag.

Koneko walked in skips towards her room in the ORC. She lifted a hidden compartment she had dug up while everyone was not here. Within the compartment held magazines depicting Rias and Akeno in various poses while dressed skimpily.

Luckily the other members are preoccupied or they would have been scarred by Koneko's perverse smile at this very moment. The only thing the ORC members would remember when they woke up were the sounds of female giggles that made them shiver in fear.

* * *

 **Deserted Island (Unknown Location)**

A group of five people were currently huddling around a campfire in the middle of a forest. Resting on the flames was a pot hanging from two poles containing some sort of porridge mixed with tree branches and grass.

A petite blonde haired girl was addressing a man dressed in an old style Japanese male uniform. She gritted her teeth as she spoke. "Cao Cao you cunt ass motherfucker! You spent all our money on useless shit again!" Her shrill voice echoed in the forest.

"Nya! Jeanne's really tearing Cao a new one." The voluptuous Nekomata in the black kimono started jumping around in excitement, her breasts bouncing and spilling out from the gaps above her golden obi. The vines hanging from the branches above served its purpose of making the scene look like it was ripped straight out of a tentacle porn video.

"H-hey Jean. Don't be too harsh on Cao." The small young boy tried to stop the blonde from ripping Cao Cao's eyes out of his sockets.

"Shut the fuck up Leonardo." Jeanne was not amused. Not one bit. "Or do you want me to take away your Oscar again?" The wielder of Annihilation Maker backed off at her threat, tears welling up in his eyes.

"Hey Jeanne, that's a little harsh don't you think?" The tall muscular man stepped between Leonardo and Jeanne. His body hiding the little boy from the blonde's piercing eyes.

"This fuckboy spent our money." She hissed out. "Do you know what this asshat spent it on?" Heracles could only shake his head in confusion while Jeanne continued with her rant.

"This analfart bought a stick. **A FUCKING STICK**. For **TWENTY-ONE MILLION DOLLARS**." You could feel the caps radiating from her sentence. Anger was not a word that could encapsulate the entirety of her emotions towards Cao Cao.

Cao Cao then chose this time to try and explain what the stick did. However, the darkness of the forest was soon illuminated by the presence of Serafall Leviathan in all her magical girl glory.

"In the name of miracles, I will tear your hymens apart!" Twirling the pink wand in her hands, Serafall made a V symbol with her free hand and held it over her closed eye. Leaning her body forward, her cleavage in full view, she made her declaration. "Magical Girl Miracle Levia has arrived!"

The quintet huddling around the campfire went silent. "How the hell did she find us!?" Heracles whimpered in fear as he cupped his anus in fear of Serafall's 'finishing move'.

Cao Cao being the idiot he was, took it as a sign of a challenge. "Hmph! We have obtained new powers to go against your reign of terror Levia!" Puffing his chest out in pride, Cao Cao pressed the rainbow coloured gem on the hilt of the stick.

"Let's do it!" Cao Cao was engulfed in crimson flame. The fires soon wrapped around his entire body, forming a red coloured suit complete with Chinese dragon motifs. "Helmet set!" A motorcycle helmet with a translucent dragon design on its front appeared above Cao Cao's head.

"Defender of justice! Hero Red!" Cao Cao made a cross with both arms, his palms facing towards his shoulders.

"What the fishcakes." Jeanne ran out of fucks to give while both Leonardo and Heracles were literally sparkling in their eyes at the transformation.

"Nya! Henshin!" Jumping into the air, Kuroka caught the stick thrown by Cao Cao and pushed down on the button. Her kimono disintegrated into particles of light that revolved around her body, conveniently censoring her chest and nether regions. The lights gathered around Kuroka's hand as they formed her outfit.

On her right hand a giant metal claw was attached while in her left hand was a kendama. Her black coloured suit tightened around her buxom figure, accentuating her curves and 'assets'. The kimono and obi motif was kept even after transformation.

"Face on!" She snapped her right hand and a helmet materialized on her index finger. The helmet had the design of a cat whose tail was bent in the shape of a heart. "Incest is wincest! Nyan Black!" She held both hands in a fist and made a cat pose.

Leonardo and Heracles followed suit in their transformation, turning into Hero Yellow and Green respectively. The stick was finally passed to Jeanne who decided she wasn't going to do this shit. Staring at the stick in her hands, Jeanne tossed it into the pot on the campfire.

"Muahahaha! Your ally has left your side Red. You will never defeat me!" Serafall taunted the fallen heroes that were defeated in the five seconds it took for Jeanne to toss the stick. Cao Cao was impaled into the earth courtesy of Serafall's 'Miracle Pile driver' headfirst while Leonardo and Kuroka were both stuck inside a tree trunk from the sonic boom caused from the impact.

Heracles tried to land a punch on Serafall but was immediately intercepted by her wand. His fist was knocked upwards causing him to lose balance. Serafall followed up with three instantaneous jabs from the tip of her wand.

The instant the last hit connected, Heracles was sent flying through several trees and into the precipitous wall of rocks in the distance. His body was embed several meters into the stone before countless cracks propagated from the impact zone which led to the eventual collapse of the entire rock formation.

Dust was sent flying across the entire island, emulating a sandstorm. "We'll never give up!" Cao Cao shouted. The rest of the heroes excluding Jeanne gathered by his side. Heracles managed to somehow come out of that completely unscathed.

Letting out a chuckle, Serafall laughed at their futile attempts to stop her reign. "You don't stand a chance Bakarangers! Even if that washboard joins you now it will be useless!"

The clouds of dust suddenly erupted into the sky due to the aura of anger emitted by Jeanne. Everyone's vision was returned but they were greeted with the sight of the world's most dangerous catfight.

"Who the fuck do you think you are saggy tits?" Jeanne stood up and activated her Sacred Gear. Chains linked with holy light and embedded with countless crosses on their surfaces emerged from the ground beneath her feet and began to undulate around her like living tentacles.

Jeanne's right eye glowed a bright crimson as her pupils formed a crosshair-like symbol. The chains wrapped around her body and coalesced into one with her skin, forming a suit of armour. A gold cross emerged from the breastplate as well as on the back of the gauntlets.

A tiara emerged on the top of her head and a massive lance fell from the sky, splitting the clouds and embedding itself into the ground. Grasping the handle, Jeanne lifted the lance into the air. The length and girth of the lance was enough to rival the size of a private jet and Jeanne could lift such an object with ease.

Serafall was now sweating bullets, the amount of holy element radiating from Jeanne's armour and lance were enough to instantly vaporize mid-class devils without resistance. "Hahaha! I-I'll let you guys go this t-time!" Serafall attempted to open a gateway back into the Underworld only to find out that all the portals were closed.

The reason was due to the I-incident, all entrance and exits to the Underworld are undergoing an emergency lockdown to prevent enemies from taking advantage of their moment of weakness to plan an invasion.

"Once I'm done with you…" She turned her head in the direction the other four were in and ran her thumb across her throat. "I'm coming after you Cao. I'm going to fucking tear you a new hole to shit from." Kuroka suddenly pinched her nose to block the smell of urine coming from beside her.

A silhouette of a figure in an extremely frilly dress could be seen falling from the sky, the moon acting as the backdrop. "Miracle Maid Max, Grayfia-tan is here!" Grayfia broke the laws of physics and pulled a giant paper fan (harisen) from under her skirt.

She lifted the fan above her head and slammed it down… on Serafall!

* * *

And before I forget, Highschool DxD owned by Ichiei Ishibumi and [Insert legal jargon here].

Uploaded on: 29/12/2015  
Last edited on: 6/1/2016


	8. Santa in Space

[Text] Un-bolded Square brackets indicate Boosted Gear speaking. This is not Ddraig.

* * *

 **Gabriel's Room**

The group of six consisting of Asia, Evangel, Gabriel, Lily, Mell and Raynare were currently lazing around on the massive bed in Gabriel's room. The room itself was filled with pillows of cats and kittens of all shapes, colour and sizes. A large crystal hung from the ceiling, illuminating the room with a warm glow.

The walls were covered with a paw print motif and the floor was covered with a soft and fuzzy carpet. Overall, the room itself was very cosy and most beings cannot help but want to take a nap on that amazing bed.

Gabriel was currently lying down flat on her tummy was hugging a cat shaped body pillow. "I've sent my personal forces to the Church to check things out." She lazily mumbled out with her eyes closed and her mouth was in a w shape.

On the bed, Asia was asleep, resting her head on Raynare's thighs while the fallen angel stroked her hair periodically. Drool was spilling out of the corner of her lips but Raynare had her straw ready for moments like this.

A vibration suddenly came from the cat pillow that Gabriel was hugging. Gabriel pushed the nose of the cat and the eyes began to blink in sync with the words being spoken. "Lady Gabriel, we have identified the intruder as Diodora Asaroth. We will begin pursuit with the exorcist found at the site."

"Okay… remember to stay safe." Gabriel mumbled out before she dumped her face on the pillow and passed out from fatigue.

"Raynare, are you returning back to Japan after we get back?" Lily was rather reluctant to have her new friend leave so soon. The fallen angel shook her head which in turn, made Lily feel slightly happier.

"I can't return for a while due to some… incidents." She looked away in embarrassment while giving a cheesy smile before returning to her normal facial expression. "Sorry to be intruding on you like this. But could I stay in your Church until I can return?"

"You don't even have to ask!" Lily tapped her chest with her fist in pride. "Since you're staying, would you like me to take you for a tour around Italy?" The nun suggested to Raynare.

"I will be in your care then Lily." Raynare expressed her thanks with a bow and a tender smile. But behind that innocent façade lies a more horrid interpretation…

A miniature Raynare appeared inside Raynare's mind and spoke of her impure thoughts. Evil version of Raynare was wearing a set of leather dominatrix gear with a large black strap-on dangling from her crotch. _"Ohmygosh, loli nun taking me on a date. DATE. What should I wear? Will I finally be able to see the new light? Loli! Loli! Wooooo!"_

While the evil Raynare clone was chuckling to herself, an angel dressed in pure white with equally white wings appeared. The angel looked exactly like Raynare and dispensed advice that was equally as bad. _"Pure girls are meant to be protected. Don't do anything to corrupt their purity. Remember, loli is love, loli is life."_

Our fallen angel Raynare. The only being with a good and evil conscience that are both just as cancerous as each other.

* * *

 **North Pole**

Issei and Ddraig took the scenic route around the mountains, heading towards their destination. After a long and treacherous journey, they have finally arrived.

The giant green and red mansion stood in front of them. A bunch of elves with ripped sleeves, tattoos and piercings were dragging some really beefed up reindeers into a giant garage.

The reindeers were each the size of a bus and had bulging muscles all over their bodies. The veins can be seen pulsating with each movement and their sides were marked with a number and the phrase "Spreading happiness, one kid at a time."

 **[That looks awfully familiar, I just can't put my finger on it. It's on the tip of my tongue…]** Ddraig was deep in thought while Issei began to sneak into the mansion from the open window on the second floor.

Issei took a few steps back before making a running start and putting his forward foot against the exterior of the mansion, he began to run up the wall. After the third step, he realized that this idea was completely retarded as the cold formed a layer of ice on the wall which he ended up slipping on.

His body crashing against the snow, the elves that were patrolling the front turned their attention towards the noise. They took their toy muskets and aimed it towards Issei and fired a warning shot into the air.

One of the elves took a radio transceiver and spoke into it. "Boss. We got ourselves a rat." On the other end of the line, the sound of a table being slammed on could be heard. "Kill the fucker! We can't have any of the magic associations on our asses again!"

Ddraig suddenly had an epiphany. **[I remember now! Santa was a dealer of magical narcotics and-]** the crimson dragon suddenly paused. **[He… he has APPLES!]**

"Ddraig? What's goi-" Issei was cut off by the activation message given by the Boosted Gear. [Auto-pilot standby. Shifting all motor functions to admin: Ddraig.]

The sides of the gauntlet unfolded into two thrusters on the top and bottom of the arm. [Unarmoured flight mode initialized. Danger to human host, continue? Accepted. Altitude 20m and rising. 50m and rising...] the thrusters propelled Issei straight into the air at an accelerating pace with the elves below firing at his feet.

"My brain… is… going… into my… feet." Going against the air resistance caused Issei's skin to be pulled against the direction he was travelling. His face became a target for insects, a few birds and a used condom.

"Orbital!" Issei shouted, in hopes that his voice could activate the secondary armour effect of the Boosted Gear.

[User command accepted. Begin shelling process.] The green jewel on the centre of the Boosted Gear glowed to confirm the process.

From the part of the gauntlet that extends to the exposed skin of Issei's arm, the metal began to crawl up his arm up to his shoulders, chest and finally expanding across his entire body sans his arm that was armed with the sacred gear.

[First Shelling completion 20%... 40%... 55%...] The initial coating only formed a layer of draconic skin over Issei's own. The core manifested on the chest to form the artificial lungs to compensate for the immense physical power needed to utilize this form.

When the first shelling was complete, Issei was covered head to toe with the draconic skin layer and the core in the centre began to pulsate, sending the soul energy of Ddraig through the pathways linked throughout the suit.

[Second Shelling completion 10%...] The second layer hardens the soul energy to manifest itself into its original physical state which was Ddraig's skin while he was still a dragon.

Small parts of the shell protruded out of the suit and 'grew' out, forming the much needed protection for the harsher environments that were to come.

The spherical shell looked extremely crude and bulky with uneven parts poking out. These were the protective layers that would serve an important purpose in the diving process.

[Troposphere has been broken through. Height has been confirmed safe for high-speed travel, prerequisites met for initiating orbital mode.] The announcement was followed by a further increase in acceleration which caused the thrusters on the gauntlet to switch to another type of propulsion.

The power of the second propulsion was so powerful that it left a solid line of red trails behind as Issei was shot further up into the air.

[Approaching stratosphere…] Issei's entire body was currently engulfed in flames from the friction caused by going against air resistance at such insane speeds with pure oxygen from the atmosphere only accelerating the heating.

From the mansion below, the elves could only see Issei as a glowing red object headed towards space.

[Approaching mesosphere…] Issei in his armour became a blinding white as the speed and heat continued to increase. The sun could be seen across the horizon as he approached the border that separates our planet from space.

[Exceeded mesosphere into outer orbit. Orbital install complete. Orbital stage two, diving. Initialized.]

The bulky and crude coating melted away into light particles that lingered behind Issei. The form within was a giant red diamond shaped shell that had a completely smooth and reflective surface without imperfections.

Within this shell held one of the three advanced forms of the Boosted Gear known as 'Orbital C'. This form grants its user immense speed that rivals the Hyperdrive ability of Archangels.

The downside of this form is that it requires a core to be manifested to compensate the power to its human users.

Hence the travel into space to prevent enemies from capitalizing on its weakness of having a long vulnerable period while the suit is being materialized.

Although the reason for our hero going into this form was mostly to prevent himself from getting killed by Ddraig's shenanigans.

 **[Dragons. In space baby!]** Ddraig was currently sitting next to the command console located inside the Boosted Gear and taking a sip of coffee from his 'Ophis is best sis' Mug that was given to him by said best sis.

"When we're done with this. I'm going to eat pink coloured foods for a month." Ddraig hearing this, made a face similar to that 'The Scream' painting.

 **[Nooo! Not the pink!]** Ddraig began to suck on his wing and cuddled his own body like a panicked baby. **[Is it red or white? Which is it!? Who am I? What are you? Why do we exist?!]**

[Orbital drop deploying in T-minus 10… 9…] The message suddenly caused Ddraig to go back to his 'srs face' **[Ahem. Forget everything you heard, it was all an illusion.]**

The radar overlay on the screen inside the shell suddenly showed an object approaching at high speeds towards them. A beeping icon on the bottom of the screen indicated that a call was being made to our fantastic duo.

"Hello. Who is this?" The sound of dubstep Christmas jingles blasted out of the speakers. "Ho, Ho, Ho, Santa is here to punish the bad little fuckers!" Turning on the video feed, Issei saw a heavily armed sled heading straight for them.

The sled was customized with decals, turrets, missiles and laser sharks being pulled by giant black bodybuilder reindeers that had green fire breath, obsidian black spiked teeth and their hooves made red flames each time they galloped.

Did I also mention that the reindeers also can fire purple laser from their eyes and had solid gold chains attached to their necks that acted as reins?

"No present for the baaaaad kids!" Druglord Santa pressed a button on the side of his sled and it began to pelt the shell with piercing anti-dragon bullets.

The top of the sled folded down like a convertible which revealed an equally beefed up Santa with muscles bulging from every part of his body. His signature beard was still there luckily enough.

"Die!" Santa took out a minigun from the sled, revved it up and began firing wildly at the duo's general direction.

How Santa was breathing in space without a suit can be easily answered. He's fucking Santa, he don't care about no worthless laws of physics.

"I will never see Christmas in the same way ever again…" Turning the shell, Issei fired himself and headed into a direct collision course with Santa's sled. The bullets and lasers fired by Santa merely bounced off the shell harmlessly, not slowing it down in the slightest.

 **[Eat dragon lead fatfuck!]** Ddraig gestured two middle fingers at the command console acting as the television.

The red projectile moved closer. Without enough time to turn the sled around, the shell tore through the reindeer and into the sled without resistance.

The reindeers exploded into a shower of blood and gore as their brains and entrails scattered and floated in the depths of space upon contact with the high velocity projectile.

Santa turned into a bloody red pulp after the shell crashed into his sled, causing it to explode into rainbows.

Holding his hand over his mouth, Issei tried not to puke at the scene unfolding before him. "These rainbows feel horrible. What the fuck are they made of?"

The screen menu popped up with the following description. [Analysis complete. Substance confirmed to be used condoms.]

Slamming his head down on the command console in anger, the entire cockpit began vibrate violently.

[Self-destruct system activated]

"Fuck my life."

* * *

This story was written for pure crack and will be updated infrequently.

And before I forget, Highschool DxD owned by Ichiei Ishibumi and [Insert legal jargon here].

Uploaded on: 6/1/2016  
Last edited on: N/A


	9. Ophis, Queen of Imoutos

**Onii Organization HQ (Switzerland)**

The Onii Organization or Onii for short, was an organisation created by Ophis. Onii's mission is to train little sisters around the world to protect their beloved onii-chans (older brothers) and ensure happiness of all imoutos (little sisters) everywhere.

The ranking system goes as follows. Lower ranked imoutos are to address their superiors as Onee-chan (Elder sister) or their name attached by the suffix of Onee-sama. The latter only applies to Ophis.

Their ranks are symbolized by a badge of a seven petal lily flower. The higher the number of petals, the higher their rank. The exception is Ophis who has no badge due to her clothes being a gift from Issei who she sees as an extension of Ddraig. A.K.A little brother.

She has not taken off the clothes and bathes with it. She also does not want to modify any part of it.

Ophis prides herself as the self-proclaimed 'little sister' of Ddraig even though we know that Ophis is older than Ddraig by a few millennia, and is his older sister.

A small girl that looked about 10 years of age with long black hair extending towards her hips that were tied into a single ponytail hanging from the right side of her head. She had a silver anklet with a snake eating its own body attached to her left ankle.

Her attire was a gothic Lolita styled black dress with a few red roses and velvet sashes to break up the colours. She was currently running around the organization corridors barefooted, leaving imprints of the soles of her feet in the metal flooring.

"Ophis Onee-sama, where are you headed at this time?" A petite girl with tanned skin and golden hair was currently chasing after Ophis.

She was a head taller than Ophis and was wearing a shendyt, an Egyptian kilt-like garment. Adorned on her arms and legs were multiple gold bangles. As she ran, the clanging of the metal rings reverberated around the walls of the corridor and woke everyone in that section of the base.

Ophis punched a hole through the wall at the end of the corridor revealing the sight of the night sky. She turned her head around and addressed the currently out-of-breath girl.

"Nut… I must go. My planet needs me." Ophis spoke with a monotone voice before returning her view towards the night sky staring into the endless depths of space. And by planet, she probably means Ddraig and Issei…

"Haa… Haa…" The reincarnation of the Egyptian goddess of the sky still needed time to catch her breath. Sucking in a generous volume of air into her lungs, she let out a heavy breath that condensed into droplets of milk.

The reason for the milk was due to Nut's legend of her being depicted as a giant cow whose great body formed the sky and heavens. Although the 'great body' was more of a washboard than anything else and the only way her body could produce milk was through vigorous panting.

"W-Wait! We are…" Without allowing Nut to finish her sentence, Ophis jumped out of the hole she had created, the brigade of imoutos with their heads popping out of their doors and Nut could only stare as she continued falling down towards the ground from this hundred storey skyscraper that served as their base. "…on the fiftieth floor."

A loud crash could be heard followed by the sound of an anti-theft car alarm ringing. A scream came immediately after.

"O-Ophis Onee-sama!" A buxom figure in a skin-tight red and black racing suit stood up on her bike's seat and somersaulted over to the unmoving body of the infinity dragon that faceplanted onto the hood of one of the organization's cars.

Removing her helmet mid-flight, the figure was revealed to have purple hair in a Hime cut style. She unzipped the upper portion of her suit, revealing her bare cleavage. From the valley of her generous bosom, she took a single paper talisman out and with a poof, she had transformed into her shrine maiden outfit.

Dislodging the loli's body from the roof of the car, she held Ophis's body in one hand and saw that Ophis's body and outfit were completely unscathed, her face with eyes wide open remained expressionless.

"Are we being attacked Onee-sama?!" The purple haired miko held a few combat talismans within the gaps of her fingers on her free hand. Ophis merely shook her head and lifted herself onto her feet from the miko's grasp.

"Everything is fine, Himiko." Ophis merely gave a thumbs up before moving away to do a few warm-up jumping jacks. Himiko could only stare in confusion at her leader.

Before she could question Ophis, one of her talismans began to glow and vibrate. She held it towards her face and tapped the circle in the center with the kanji for call.

"Ahh! Himiko, is Ophis all right?!" Nut's worried voice came from the talisman. The sound of an elevator ding could be heard in the background.

"Everything is okay here Nut Onee-chan. What's up with our leader today though?" Himiko questioned, still wanting an answer to satiate her curiosity. The rotating doors at the entrance of the skyscraper revolved, revealing Nut who was, yet again, out of breath.

At this time, Ophis merely turned her face directly at the moon before squatting down and leaping. To the two observers, they could only see the figure of their leader disappearing with only a crater where she stood to indicate that she was originally there.

After explaining the situation to Himiko, Nut leaned her tired body against the partially destroyed car. Himiko activated the regeneration symbols around the building to repair the damages done by Ophis before carrying Nut in a piggyback ride back into the base.

"Mmm… Thanks Himi…" Nut slurred out before resting her head on Himiko's shoulders and eventually falling asleep. Himiko could feel Nut's heart begin to slow down from the rapid beating into a more reasonable rhythm.

* * *

 **Earth's Orbit**

[Self-destruct system activated]

"Fuck my life."

Issei continued to repeatedly slam his head into the keyboard of the control terminal within the shell.

[Self-destruct system has been accelerated from an hour to ten minutes.] Issei stared at the screen eyes twitching in anger.

"Ddraig you have five seconds to answer this." Issei scratched the jewel on the Boosted Gear with the claw on his left hand. Within the space inside the sacred gear, a shrill screeching sound echoed causing Ddraig to attempt to shut the noise out by covering his ears with his wings.

"Why in the name of unicorns do we have a goddamn self-destruct function in this mode but no way to speed up the shelling process? Huh?!"

 **[One of the previous users suggested it be put in… It seemed like a good idea at the time…]** Ddraig whined, still trying to block the ear piercing sound from melting away his brain.

[13 seconds to detonation…] The clock was ticking and Issei decided that he could torture Ddraig later. Looking at the monitor, the radar revealed another object heading towards them.

[Object identified. Time to impact with shell in T-minus 3...] Before the countdown could even finish pronouncing three, Ophis had already arrived on the surface of the shell.

"Don't worry Onii-chan… I'll get you out of that thingy!" Ophis replied as enthusiastically as she could. Issei's reaction was to rapidly shake his head from within the shell.

"No. No. No! Ophis, listen to Onii-chan. Onii-chan can't breathe in space!" Issei began to panic as warnings popped out on the terminal indicating an object was penetrating through the shell.

Issei took a deep breath from the cockpit as Ophis burrowed her way into the inner part of the shell. The vacuum began to suck the air out into the vast expanse of space.

Issei's cheeks were puffed up from holding his breath while whatever was left of the first shelling managed to protect him from the pressure in this vacuum.

Ophis's legs merged together and became similar Lamia's body. She coiled herself around Issei and formed a shape of a nose cone with the top being both bodies hugging tightly together.

The base of her tail began to heat up as they began to drop back down to earth. Ophis noticed that Issei was running out of air and she began to produce air from her divine lungs.

She leaned forward and kissed her beloved brother, providing his lungs with the much needed air. Issei was pleasantly surprised and leaned in to return the kiss. Their tongues twirled and twisted together before Issei moved his head back to exhale.

A trail of saliva dripped from Ophis's lips before she licked it up and leaned her head on Issei's chest as they continued dropping.

Issei suddenly felt a chill, as if death itself would come for him. It was probably his imagination though…

* * *

 **Underworld (Ravel's Room)**

Ravel suddenly woke up in cold sweat. She wrapped her arms around her body as she shivered in anger.

"I sense a disturbance… with **my** Issei." Ravel took one of her pillows and ripped it in half, bird feathers exploded and glided around Ravel's room. She then returned to snuggling with her custom made Issei Dakimakura (Body Pillow)

"Mmm… You love only **me.** Right?" It was a rhetorical question. It was as if she expected only one answer from the start.

The giggles emitted from her room will forever instil pleasure into the males of the Phenix family with the exception of Riser for days to come.

Ravel's mother could only smile in pride at her daughter that surpassed her expectations. What mother would not be proud that their child could break even the strongest and prideful magical beings into a sex-slave.

* * *

This story was written for pure crack and will be updated infrequently.

And before I forget, Highschool DxD owned by Ichiei Ishibumi and [Insert legal jargon here].

Uploaded on: 7/1/2016  
Last edited on: N/A


	10. Beware the monsters in bishoujo skin

On the television screen, a scene panning across a destroyed city that resembled one of the famous spots in the underworld was shown. The camera moved its view towards the centre of the city where a circle devoid of debris could be seen.

"To battle against the evils against the world, one girl was chosen above the others to become our saviour…" A silhouette of a teenage girl stared at the moon above before attempting to grasp it in her hands.

"Transforming into the princess of miracles! Magical Miracle Levia-tan will save the devil world!" The silhouette exploded into a shower of sparkles which revealed Serafall Leviathan dressed in her trademarked skimpy outfit.

She twirled her pink wand in her hands and gave a wink in the direction of the screen and made her signature pose. Putting her free hand over her closed eye, she leaned her body forward and spoke. "In the name of miracles, I will tear evils' hymens apart!"

Meanwhile, across the Underworld, countless young female devils would aspire to one day be like their idol. Serafall's show currently has the third highest ratings if you take the total viewers from both the Underworld and the Human world.

The synopsis of Serafall's show was that after almost half of the Underworld was wiped out by an unknown evil known only as FullKill. With the power of the heptagon gem, she will roam the lands of the magical factions and regain the powers of Seven Sins and return the lives lost on that fateful day.

The second highest rated show would be Kaleidoscope Prism Millya. This other magical girl show came out at the same time as Serafall's own. The director arrives only to deliver the footage reel or collect his revenue from sales and disappears almost instantly following that. His business card only gives his number and nothing else but the initials KZS.

And the number one show that has topped the rankings for almost three years would be the excitement inducing, tits bouncing, groin tightening, rainbow exploding, moon cratering, dairy churning, glass smashing… and you get the point.

However the name of that show is not important. The most important thing at the moment was that Serafall's show was airing at this very moment. So be sure to tune-in!

* * *

 **Deserted Island (Unknown Location)**

The air around Serafall's head distorted as Miracle Maid Max Grayfia-tan slammed her paper fan directly on her cranium.

Serafall's body shot into the ground like a spear, causing her to get embed into the earth all the way up to her neck.

Disoriented, Serafall muttered out curses at Grayfia. "Ayy… Wad'ya deu thad fer…" Hey head was still swaying from disorientation and she puffed her cheeks in an attempt not to puke.

"Did I do that correctly Lady Serafall?" Grayfia asked. She took the script given by Serafall out from underneath her dress and re-read the lines.

"You completely missed! You were supposed to hit that girl over there!" Serafall lifted her arms out from the ground, causing a minor earthquake around the island. She then pointed her finger at Jeanne who was currently watching Grayfia with caution.

Jeanne readied her lance and set her feet apart for balance. "No magical presence. A perfect assassin…" She thought to herself. Without letting Grayfia out of her sights, Jeanne continued to watch the duo quarrelling.

"I apologize Lady Serafall, I can only recognize people by their general body structure." Grayfia gave a deep bow before returning to attention. Her posture leaving no imperfections and emanated the aura of excellent service.

Serafall made a moue and stomped her feet on the ground repeatedly before berating the silver haired maid. "How many times do I have to tell you?"

Serafall then grabbed Grayfia by her Victorian wrist cuffs and pulled her close. Serafall then moved both hands onto the side of the maid's head. "You are not. A. Bullet. Hell. Character." She accentuated each word while shaking Grayfia's head, her silver twin braids flailing about.

At this moment, Cao Cao decided to run off and escape his impending doom. Following him were his two companions Leonardo and Heracles.

The trio were still donned in their hero costumes and were currently making their way to the coastline. However, they had to pass by the campfire to obtain the stick that Jeanne threw inside the soup pot.

Kuroka returned to her black kimono and was currently preparing tea and rice crackers on the campfire. "Sorry Kuroka, we've got to go." Cao Cao rushed past the cat girl and swiped the stick from the still boiling pot of soup.

Kuroka sipped her green tea, eyes closed in complete relaxation and seemingly unaffected by everything else around her. "Ahhh~ This is the finest tea I've had!"

Reaching down, Kuroka took a piece of rice cracker and bit into it, her face contorted into an expression of pure ecstasy while her tail was flailing about. "Mmmm~ Delish!" The snack was so outstanding that she could not help but let out a few moans and mewls.

While these events happened, Jeanne was twirling the giant lance using her fingers to pass the time. Boredom washed over her as she continued to wait for Serafall and Grayfia to stop their arguing.

From the corner of her eyes, she could see a spot of bright red escaping into the darkness of the forest. She turned her body so that she was facing the location of where the object was spotted and thrust her lance forward.

From behind the trio, a wave of compressed air blasted through the middle of their arrowhead formation and tore through the entire section of the forest, uprooting trees and dirt in its wake.

"Cao Cao…" Jeanne's voice echoed and rebounded around the clearing before the tip of her lance tried to make its way into Cao Cao's rear.

The red-suited hero managed to predict the attack and dodged accordingly. Cao Cao then did a few backflips to gain distance away from the mad woman.

"C-Can't we talk this out?" The only reply was a guttural growl and the sound of air being displaced beside his right ear. Peeking from the corner of his eyes, Cao Cao could see that Jeanne's lance was stuck in the tree trunk he was using as a support.

Jeanne rushed forward and cocked her arm back. Holy energy began to gather at the front of her gauntlet before she punched the empty space in front of her body.

The orb of light stretched and began to bend unnaturally, making linear movements mixed with diagonal and vertical turning as it chased down the intended target.

Meanwhile, the two devils were still in their heated discussion on whether Grayfia is a bullet hell character.

"Grayfia. Listen to me. You are not Sakuya Izayoi." Serafall placed both palms on Grayfia's cheeks and pushed them together. "Repeat after me. I am not Sakuya Izayoi."

"Lady Serafall, I believe the Templar has escaped in the direction of the forest. Should we give chase?" Grayfia spoke without any change to her tone even with the cheek crushing. The maid then pointed at the general location where Jeanne ran off to.

However, Serafall decided to slap her hand back down and gave her eyes an intense stare. "We have more important things to worry about." Serafall pinched both cheeks and began to pull on them. "Repeat after me. I am not Sakuya Izayoi and I am a maid."

"Lady Serafall, I assure you that I am not this 'Sakuya Izayoi' person. I just happen to have attacks that fire in a spectacular and easy to dodge pattern."

"By Lucifer's balls!" Serafall could not take it anymore. She slammed her head into one of the trees, causing the entire direction of that forest to become frozen solid.

Luckily, the direction that was frozen was directly opposite where Jeanne and the trio were. The bad part? It was where Kuroka was having her snack time.

"Nya! It sure got real cold around here." It's a good thing that Kuroka prepared much more than her breasts in that kimono. Reaching into her cleavage, Kuroka pulled out a picture of Koneko when she was younger.

"Oh my! Shirone is always so cute…" Kuroka's panting became rapid as her body heated up to irrational levels. "Shirone…" The nekomata squatted down and compacted her body as close to herself as possible.

Making a star jump, the heat radiated from Kuroka melted away the ice in every direction. Her sage arts leaked out of her bombshell body, creating the field of flowers that now fills the entirety of the clearing.

Serafall sensed the signs of an older sibling that had great affection for their younger sister. She let go of Grayfia and made her way to the clearing that Kuroka was found and saw the aurora forming above the nekomata.

"Amazing… the affection is taking a physical form." Kuroka noticed the cosplaying devil and invited her for tea and rice crackers.

Grayfia, being the amazing maid she was, reheated the tea and snacks before Kuroka even thought of inviting Serafall over. The maid then disappeared into the shadows, awaiting her next order.

"Nya! You're Levia-tan right? My little sister used to watch your show every morning!" Patting the ground beside her as a sign, Serafall took her seat cross-legged.

"Oh? Maybe I could meet her in-person the next time we get together?" Serafall lifted the ceramic cup and took a sip of the warm tea.

While Kuroka was preparing to give her reply, let us take a look at what was happening in the other part of the island.

"Eeeek!" Heracles let out a girly shriek as Jeanne's brightly glowing eyes were the only things he could see catching up behind him.

"You are already fisted." Jeanne hissed, her voice somehow managing to reach Heracles' ears from all the way behind. Before the demi-god could comprehend what he had heard, an intense burning sensation rose from his rear.

An ear piercing scream reverberated throughout the forest while every animal within a 500m radius cringed in pain from the pure emotions mixed with the vocal discharge.

Cao Cao and Leonardo were both trying to get as far away from _that_ as possible. "Sorry Heracles." Leonardo whispered out.

Cao Cao then made his decision. "Don't be. His sacrifice won't be in vain." Signalling to Leonardo, the two men dashed with all their might.

"Heeeere's Jeanny!" A hand snaked its way on Leo's mouth and the other on his hips. From Cao Cao's back, as he ran, he could hear the screams of his fallen companion.

"Shit, shit, shit!" Sprinting forward and taking occasional glances behind, Cao Cao did a few manoeuvres to lose his pursuer.

"Haa… Haa… Did. Did I lose her?" Putting his hand on a nearby tree trunk, Cao Cao tried to catch his breath… until he noticed that the trunk he was touching was surprisingly smooth.

" **Heeey Cao Cao!** " Jeanne's face has become consumed by the red symbol, a tribal-like marking spread from her crimson eye all over a face.

Jeanne lifted the lance with one arm, the other holding Cao Cao by the neck. She jerked the lance, causing the tip to retract and form a trident. Jeanne then skewered the lance into the tree behind with Cao Cao trapped between the gaps of the fork-like weapon.

" **See these?** " Jeanne grasped both armoured arms together. " **I'm going to take these two arms… and shove them up your ass!** "

Jeanne's maniacal chuckle turned into a full blown laughing spree as she tore the red suit off Cao Cao with her clawed gloves.

Her armour began to rust and turn a dark brown, a contrast compared to its previous silver shine. The tiara on her head fused with her scalp, turning into a grotesque headdress with a blinking eyeball in the middle.

Her eyes had lost their colour, leaving only crimson in their irises. As she spread her lips, a long, black slithering tongue came out and undulated violently.

" **You know what the beeeest part is?!** " She hissed out. Her tongue slithered all over Cao Cao's helmet, leaving a trail of saliva. " **We'll be having fun! Without lube!** "

" **Now bend over!** " The grin on Jeanne's face stretched across the entire face as the headdress crawled its way over her eye, forming a deformed mask.

Just as she was about to rupture Cao's ass into the new dimension, a ball of flames came from above and illuminated the island the second time this night.

Jeanne let out a bestial roar and was just moments away from making the most painful penetration known to man before the giant sphere of fire landed directly on her body.

Cao Cao's eyes were closed tightly awaiting his impending doom until he heard the loud crash and the surprising lack of constipation.

Opening his eyes, he noticed that the forest around him was currently engulfed in a sea of flames while Jeanne was crushed below a Lamia's body.

The beast clawed the dirt in an attempt to move closer to Cao Cao. Her body finally gave in and she coughed and wheezed out. " **Ca** o C **ao!** I will **kill youuu…** "

"Nii-sama, we have landed." Ophis spoke without a trace of emotion, not caring that she had just crushed a living being with the speed and weight of a meteor at terminal velocity.

Meanwhile, across the island where Kuroka and Serafall were enjoying their talk about little sisters, they suddenly felt the island convulse and shake.

"Nya! (Kya!)" Both Kuroka and Serafall became drenched in warm tea.

"Lady Kuroka, Lady Serafall. I have prepared a change of clothing for you both." Grayfia, being the fantastic maid she was, had already sewn copies of their clothing for such an emergency.

"Nya… How do you know about my sizes anyway?" Kuroka questioned the maid with suspicion.

"Do not worry milady. Maids that have transcended the realm of perfection can instantly tell their masters' needs and requirements with naught but a glance."

After changing into their new and surprisingly comfortable clothing, the trio made their way towards the source of the tremor.

"I'll put the flames out!" Serafall chanted a few verses of using her demonic language and thrust her want into the sky. At first nothing happened until a sudden chill washed over the land.

In the blink of an eye, the island began to experience winter. Snow began to fall and the ground became hardened instantly.

As they made their way into the ravaged and annihilated area, the three ladies suddenly sensed the presence of a powerful being within the cloud of steam that formed when the snow put out the fire.

"Nii-sama! Where are you Nii-sama?" Ophis whined and moved her hand to clear the clouds of steam. The result was the entire section of the island her hand moved past was wiped out of existence.

Luckily, only the island was affected as the 'dead' bodies of Heracles and Leonardo were both just floating safely on the water that washed in to fill the void after the island was wiped clean.

Issei, at this moment was currently helping the now naked Jeanne up. Issei noticed that her entire back was covered in blood red tattoos but decided not to dwell on them too much. "Hey, you all right there?"

"What do you think fucker?" She managed to reply through numerous coughs and wheezes.

"I was actually expecting you to just call me a pervert any second now actually." Issei casually waved off the insult.

"Hah! Like I care if I'm naked. And beating someone who just saved me isn't my style asshole." Jeanne smirked and she wrapped her arms around Issei's own for support.

Issei looked away and began to practice his whistling because the reason for her injuries was actually his (Ophis's) fault.

Issei then use his magic to gather water from the air and directed it into Jeanne's mouth. "Damn water tastes like shit." Even though she had said that, she still greedily gulped as much as she could into her oral cavity.

"Bwahh!" Splashing her face into the stream of water, Jeanne shook her head to get rid of the droplets remaining on her face. Her damp, blond hair swayed with each movement, seeming to glow in the moonlight.

She nudged her head against Issei's shoulder to get his attention. "Hey. What's your name?" Her tone was questioning but her face implied that no was not an answer.

"Issei." He replied. "Better than the idiots I'm with at least." Jeanne snarky remarked.

"Nii-sama! Where are youuu!" Ophis began to throw a tantrum and began to run around the island looking for her beloved younger brother.

"I think I should go. If she sees you err…" He pointed at their linked arms. "Like this, I won't joke and say she will actually kill you."

"Just leave me here, I'll be fine on my own. Next time we meet, I'll pay you back for this favour." Jeanne used a small portion of her power to form a tiny silver cross.

She tossed it over to Issei and leaned herself against the bark of a tree. "And the name's Jeanne. Remember- fuck!" Grasping her arm in pain, Jeanne's body started to convulse.

"Here." Issei used the transfer function and quadrupled the Templar's natural healing ability and gave her a blanket before leaving.

As Jeanne saw the silhouette of the boy leave, she muttered with a smile while fiddling with the pendant on her neck. "The 'Red Dragon Emperor' helping someone like me. You guys won't believe this…"

She popped the pendant open, revealing a picture of a two young girls and an old man in robes standing behind them both, his face covered by the glare of the camera.

* * *

If you get the references in this chapter, you will find some theoretical cookies.

This story was written for pure crack and will be updated infrequently.

And before I forget, Highschool DxD owned by Ichiei Ishibumi and [Insert legal jargon here].

Uploaded on: 10/1/2016  
Last edited on: N/A


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